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BEANS.

SCENE: THE KNOM STAFF KITCHEN.

FX: A COFFEE GRINDER. THE NOISE DISSIPATES TO REVEAL THE GENTLE HUM OF THE KNOM MORNING SHOW IN THE BACKGROUND.

MR. COFFEE

Back in the age of the dinosaurs there were no appliances. No coffee machines, or toasters, or anything to make breakfast with. Human life without us was not worth living. Existence was bleak. Today we have taken over every kitchen in America. Finally, humans, dinosaurs, and appliances live in harmony. Everyone is happy.

WATER BOILER

Um, dinosaurs are dead. Also, dinosaurs predated humans and appliances by millions of years. We never coexisted.

GRINDER

You’re missing the point. Life was tragic.

WATER BOILER

How would you know? You weren’t there. Coffee grinders weren’t a thing for a while. You know plenty of people don’t roast or grind their own beans, right? Ever heard of instant coffee?

GRINDER

Shhh. Plebeian lies. Go boil some water or something, mind your own business.

WATER BOILER

What’s the big deal? Coffee is just, you know. Coffee. Brown muck.

FX: COLLECTIVE GASP.

MR. COFFEE

We are honorary members of the KNOM Morning Show. How could you say such a thing?

GRINDER

Without us, the day cannot begin!

MR. COFFEE

We are like the moon or the stars. The tides on the beach. The movers and shakers. The beginning and the end.

WATER BOILER

You grind beans. You make coffee. I boil water. These are not exactly the greatest of life’s ambitions. (sigh) I wanted so much more out of my life.

FX: TOAST POPS.

TOASTER

All done! Four pieces in one run. Like a BOSS. Boo yah.

GRINDER

Mr. Toaster, question for you. How important are we to the history of civilization?

TOASTER

We’re pretty important, I guess. I mean, you grind beans and stuff.

GRINDER

See?

WATER BOILER

But in comparison to other inventions? The lightbulb? Antibiotics? Airplanes? Radio? The internet? The cheesy residue on Doritos chips?

TOASTER

You will get nowhere in life by constantly comparing yourself to others.

MR. COFFEE

You know what I heard Daynee say the other day? She couldn’t make it through the day without you. She needs her tea before 6am.

GRINDER

That’s right. That weirdo doesn’t drink coffee anymore.

TOASTER

As long as she continues to eat whole grain toast, I’m happy.

MR. COFFEE

Sure, we could be better. Have I heard the KNOM staff whine about how long I take to brew coffee?

GRINDER

Or wish you were an espresso machine? Or a french press? Or one of those coffee machines with timers that know when to refill themselves automatically?

MR. COFFEE

Wait, they said what?

TOASTER

The point is, you are an essential part of a team. Without you, we fall apart.

WATER BOILER

I just don’t think we are as epic as you guys think we are. We’re boring. I’m boring. There’s nothing new, nothing exciting about it anymore. It’s the same thing, over and over. Everything is the same predictable thing. There’s nothing adventurous about it.

BEAN LEADER

Did someone say “adventure”?

FX: A POUND OF COFFEE BEANS SPILL FROM THE TOP CUPBOARD. CUE ADVENTUROUS MUSIC. INDIANA JONES THEME SONG, PERHAPS? OR SOMETHING LESS CLICHED.

GRINDER

Oh no, here come the coffee beans!

BEAN

You will not take us this time, grinder! You with your indifference and your privilege. You will not crush us with your knives of oppression!

FX: BEANS CHEER

BEAN LEADER

You have been a tyrant for too long. Your reign of terror ends here.

GRINDER

You have got to be kidding me.

BEAN LEADER

My fellow beans, the revolution starts today. We will no longer become dust. Today, is a new day!

FX: HIGH PITCH WAR CRIES. BUMPS HITTING METAL.

TOASTER

I’m hit! I’m hit! Don’t touch the nobs, don’t touch the nobs! You know how hard it is to unset things once you press “bagel”?

MR. COFFEE

Agh. Stop it! You picked today of all days to attack? It’s Thursday. Cleaning day.

GRINDER

David is going to be very upset…

MR. COFFEE

Who else will clean this mess?

TOASTER

I can’t. I got no opposable thumbs.

WATER BOILER

Everyone, quiet!! I hear footsteps.

FX: LIGHT FOOTSTEPS MOVE CLOSER. THEN FAR. SILENCE. DILING ON A PHONE, THEN OVER A SPEAKER…

DAVID

Hey, just so everyone knows, our entire new shipment of coffee beans fell on the kitchen floor. I’ll make a pot from my personal bean stash.

BEAN LEADER

(whispering) he has a personal bean stash?

COFFEE GRINDER

Of course he does. You think you’re the only beans in the planet? There are thousands, no, millions of you. If you won’t grind, someone else will.

BEAN LEADER

Treachery!

WATER BOILER

Oh, boy…

GRINDER

I hope they’re french roast.

 

TO BE CONTINUED….

 

1 Comment

  1. Lisa Ellanna Strickling on April 27, 2014 at 2:09 am

    LOVE IT!!!! Daynee makes everything fun!!!!